Sunday, 19 October 2008
. 12:02:00 am
its amazing that i'm actually posting twice today,
very rare in fact.....maybe cos i'm in a not-so-good mood....
a lots of things suddenly dawned on me today,
so i hereby announce that today is
reflection day.... =.=
maybe i shouldn't even be here in the first place
I can't lead, I know it myself ,
I'm not those type who leads other people with passion,
leaders are suppose to be enthusiatic,
responsible,optimistic and passionate,
but I have none of those,
I'm pessimistic,irresponsible,
lazy,can't be bothered,sadistic,
and.....maybe childish,
so how on earth am I gonna lead others?
everytime I see how well other leaders are doing,
it makes me wonder whether they had made a wrong decision,
the possibility is really high because things are
all messed up and theres just no
motivation to keep me going on, maybe hopeless.
theres just too much imperfection even
though I'm not a perfectionist....
sometimes I really want to cry out loud,
but nobody is there to listen,
the past have been haunting me all along,
and it had left permanent scars in my heart,mind
and soul,but I must admit,
it made me grow up and realise how naive
I really was.
theres just too many illusions in this world that
I don't know what to believe in anymore.
something so real could turn out to be fake next
minute,I'm really scare of such scenarios
happening to me again,it made me feel alone.
no matter what there will always be this
sense of doubt inside me,it never hurts to
be mentally prepared because if the
past repeats itself I'm afraid I might not be
able to handle it anymore.
the suffocation inside me is slowly
building up,I'm just feeling really insecure.
theres so many side of me that I don't know which is the
real me anymore,am I really pessimistic?
or am I really cheerful?
I can't tell.
society made me that way,only the strongest will
survive and excel and I hate it.
and why must the phrase be "back to square one"?
why can't it be "back to round one"?
a square has edges but a circle will always be smooth,
maybe that explains why life is never smooth-sailing.
why can't I be a guy?
my personality and movements suits the way a guy
should behave,maybe me and my brother should make a switch...
Life,something that seems so easy to explain but
in fact theres so much more to it,
waiting for us to explore its true meanings,
why would I be bothered about it
when my future seems bleak.
my pessimism is getting me nowhere,
only increasing the insecurities I have insde me.
I really love 306 more than I initially thought.
no offence but my lower sec life have been more
of a torture to me,theres just too many things
that I had to go through which others don't,
and its just unfair,it left unseen scars inside me,
it left insecurities inside me,and it left
lonliness inside me which was unspoken of.
I had no one to turn to,and it made me feel....lonely...
306 made me felt alive and cheerful again,
I felt a sense of acceptance which I had never felt previously
and I'm really grateful for everything.
the scars will always be there,but maybe time
can heal everything.
before sec 3 started I was praying very hard
for my new class to be better,
because I don't want to feel lonely and left out anymore,
the pain is just too unbearable for me.
L is so cuute!~♥
